Passing Through

I spent last weekend sorting through my iPhoto library; reliving my travels. When I first went abroad, I had just bought my DSLR and—through sheer trial and error—was teaching myself how to use it by religiously documenting my trip. Luckily, the haphazard photos I collected over those six months later served a purpose. I came to depend on those albums—scrolling through them on an almost daily basis to cope with the unexpected (reverse) culture shock I felt coming back home.

Fast forward a few years and I'm back at my scrolling. But, what's interesting is that the shots I cherish the most now are not the ones you might expect (hint: they don't involve me in a psuedo-Euro-chic outfit posed in front of X monument). These days, I'm drawn to the photos that capture a seemingly ordinary moment in time. Featuring people I'll never see again and movement that can't be replicated, no matter how many times I retrace my steps.

And so, this little black & white photo series was born.

Comprised of old and new... and just passing through.

Write Time

I often worry that if I stop blogging, I'll simply forget how to write. The longer I go not blogging, the more anxious I become about the thought of opening up a blank post and letting words, however silly or significant, transform themselves from jumbled html to coherent prose. I can only imagine the kind of anxiety professional writers must feel, which is why I don't think I could ever write for a living. I think the pressure to churn out creativity on command would ruin it for me. 

Since my last post on August 25th, I haven't attempted to draft anything new. However, there's been countless times I've gone off on mental tangents—usually while driving or cleaning my apartment— and thought "I should really blog about this." Yet, life continues to plug along at what feels like a weird combination of slow motion and hyper-speed, and other things have taken precedent. So, I've lost track of these ideas and left the words suspended in some of kind of limbo between pen and paper. (Or in this case...hand and keyboard?)

After uploading this shot from a weekend trip in Cambria, it took me a solid hour to work up the courage to even start typing. Instead, I lost myself in a daydream (that should really just be...a dream, since it's past 11pm on a Sunday)...staring into the sea of lavender and listening to my latest obsession on Spotify. In hopes of being somewhat-human on Monday morning, I tried to convince myself that 11:38pm on a Sunday night was not an ideal time to start a blog post. But, my irrational fear of forgetting how to write won. So...here we are. 

Now that I've probably lost 95% of the people that started this post, I don't know what to tell the loyal 5% still reading my jumbled Sunday night thoughts. I'm desperately trying to come up with something climactic to say after spending 3 wordy paragraphs writing about writing.

And it's turning into one of those moments. Kind of like the moment you first land a job. You're SO excited you finally have a job, until you realize...OH shit, I actually have to work now. 40 (or 60) hour weeks, 6 am wake-up calls, and 11pm bedtimes even when a tangential blog post is calling your name.

Backyard

Let me preface this post by saying...I'm not entirely exaggerating when I refer to this as my new backyard. It's a 10 minute drive from my apartment and a reasonably timed hike for the rare occasion I wear my yoga pants to actually like, exercise. 

On a Sunday night whim, a couple friends and I ventured up to the Griffith Observatory to take in the view and the last few hours of the weekend. It was one of those aimless summer evenings. Our night at Griffith felt like summer the same way that drinking too much Pinot Grigio on the staircase of my un-air conditioned college apartment felt like summer. Moments like this embody that intangible characteristic of the season...but have become too few and far between lately.

Next to us at the top of the observatory was a young couple admiring the view. One of them was visiting from Paris for the week, so my friends and I subconsciously stepped up our LA-game, reciting the names of streets like a scene right out of The Californians. There was even a heated debate about whether or not the bright light running down the center of the city is in fact Western Avenue—jury/Google Maps is still out if anyone would like to lend some geographic expertise. 

And as we loudly pointed and squealed when we recognized a landmark, the dreamy French boyfriend (note: not just an archetype used for the dramatization of this blog post) stood in awe at our extensive, probably misguided, knowledge of Los Angeles.

It was a weird moment. Because, atop a big hill filled with buses of tourists...I felt unusually at home. Somehow, even after moving to the opposite side of town, I'm still in love with this dysfunctional city.

And yeah, it doesn't hurt that I have a telescope in my backyard.

Juncture

I have a love/hate relationship with summer. The past three have brought about lots of changes—falling somewhere in between forgettable and somewhat earth shattering. And this summer appears to be no different. 

I've been MIA from this blog yet again...but if I look back at my pattern of summer postings, I always seem to drop off somewhere in June and find my way back by fall.  Right now, my hiatus is from a combination of things. I'm working the hardest I ever have, wearing many hats and trying to learn as much as I possibly can while I'm still early on in my career. I rarely talk about my job on this blog because I like to keep this world separate, but this summer has been an important time for me at work. 

I'm also putting down roots in LA for the foreseeable future. This spring brought about the first of many quarter(ish) life crises, where each week felt like my life was about to take a complete 180. It was a constant game of stop and go. And it was, to put it simply, exhausting. Even though I couldn't plan past the next week, I didn't live a second in the moment. I wasted 6 months waiting for my life to start. I almost dropped everything to aimlessly travel the world (really). And while that's definitely still a part of the plan, it may need to wait a couple more years.

After all the stop and go, I've finally reached a juncture—the beginning of a new chapter. I'm moving...again. This time, into my own little studio on the Eastside. I'm incredibly excited and nervous at the same time. It's cute, tiny, old and has appliances from the 1950s which may or may not be up to code. It's the first time I'll be living alone and as scary as it might be, it feels like the right time to step out of my comfort zone. 

I spent most of my formative years (and who are we kidding, I'm still in my formative years...but bear with that statement for the purpose of this post) as a we—not a me. While everyone was living a normal, wonderfully reckless college existence...I was meticulously mapping out my Five-Year Plan which involved marriage, kids, and a life so drastically different from where I see those five years now, that the only thing left to do is to chuckle uncomfortably and move on.  But, even as admittedly hard and lonely and frustrating as being just me can be sometimes...this all feels right.

I'm excited to have a place that is truly my own.

So here's to a summer of good change.

...it would appear that the Weird Rut of 2015 (as it's officially named) had a purpose after all.

Contrast

Since finally investing in a 50mm lens, I've been feeling more inspired and have been pulling my DSLR out of that Mary Poppins bag whenever possible. I'd been living off my kit lens for about 3 years, so it was about time I upgraded. As you can see from my not-so-intentionally unfocused shots, I'm still getting the hang of it. More photos from the past week can be found on my Tumblr as well.

In real time, it's Sunday night. I'm surprisingly relaxed, and happy to be blogging after another unintentional hiatus. I had one hell of a week so moments of calm are always welcomed. I'm slowly but surely beginning to appreciate the constant contrasts in life. Whether it's something small like a polished outfit photo in an industrial setting. A rough skyline against a soft sunset. Or, something much bigger than I can fit in a few blog photos. 

Anyway, here's to the last 5 minutes of...weekend.

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Shop This Post:

Madewell Silk Blouse

Anthropologie Black Trousers

Cameo Necklace

Nixon Leather Watch

Madewell Leather Satchel

Target Black Strappy Sandals

Color Swap

Lately, I've been playing around with more black and white shots. Although I'm still shooting in color, during my editing process I'll often find I like the b&w version better. It's a simple color swap that can make a world of difference. And while the next step is actual b&w film, that's a whole other ball game.

P.S. Here's the color version of this record store gem. Hipster dads—they get me every time. #LA

That Wall

Okay okay I know I said I wasn't going to give into florals for spring. But, I walked into Zara last weekend looking for Vegas outfits and left with these funky printed shorts instead. Call me a creature of habit (I never fail to live up to that title) but within a week's time it looks like I'm back to my old ways.

Style aside, I think this "back to my old ways" M.O. has been nothing but trouble lately. And while it's not manifesting itself into anything in particular...I feel stuck. I've hit a brick wall, if you will. Even though I know it's probably the first of many twenty-something-postgrad-struggles, I don't think I can shy away from this. I'm pretty sure it's one of those walls, the kind I've got to break through instead of quietly, awkwardly backing away from. (Extended metaphors—don't you just love them?)

But honestly, I'm not sure what's next...

and I guess that's the beauty of it.

____________

Shop This Post:

Forever 21 Denim Jacket

Madewell Black V-Neck

Zara High-Waisted Printed Shorts

TOMS Sunglasses

GUESS Gold Watch

Brown Leather Satchel

Target Black Strappy Sandals

Character Cap

Open my iPhone Notes app and you'll find a jumble of "dramatic" text message drafts, an amusing list of all dates gone awry, and hodge-podge scribbles of tweet-length thoughts that never came to be. Fleeting notions that felt too trivial to say out loud or blast to my 350 Twitter followers (but really, WHO is counting). Although, read my tweets and you'll probably wonder why my thought provoking-ideas about Trader Joe's made the cut while the embarrassing 10+ drafts of my one-line Tinder bio did not.

More and more, I've found myself reimagining these small soundbites in written form rather than just letting them be forgotten (granted, many times, they probably should be left behind). Pre-social media, I would have just scribbled them down in a journal and never looked back. But now, even with a million social outlets at my disposable, I can never decide on the right medium for these ideas. Because truthfully, I can't help but constantly self-edit. Is this too random? Is it too spammy to post 5 things at once? Will anyone understand my "creative" revelations? Should I just text this random garble to someone instead... (hint: the answer is usually, NO.)

And it's only after running through all these questions that I sit back, and realize I've just spent the past 10 minutes agonizing over a statement about hipsters. Or LA traffic. Or something passive yet political (is that a thing?) that I don't feel informed enough—despite all my Skimming—to publicly associate myself with. And after all the internal back-and-forth...I feel a little silly. BUT, unfortunately not silly enough to keep myself from writing this blog post. I guess the creative process is weird like that.

So, I'm going to continue making a habit of jotting these ideas down and sharing them on whatever medium strikes my fancy in the moment. Beware of rogue text messages, iPhone contacts. Because, you never know when divine inspiration will hit and turn that nonsensical tweet into a NY Times Bestseller...

At least, that's on the 5-year plan.

Particular

Over the years, only a handful of people have taken photos for my blog. I think it stems from a place of my own self-consciousness. Not really from posing in front of a camera, but more from how incredibly high maintenance particular I can be about my blog photos. Which is why...friends who blog are the best. Because you can convince them to take outfit photos of you and not feel bad giving very (very) specific requests on the exact cactus-flower ratio needed for the "perfect" shot. 

P.S. Unlike the rest of Los Angeles, I didn't go to Coachella last weekend. Instead, I wandered around a cemetery for 2 hours by myself because I'm a normal person who does normal things like that. Stay tuned for more photos once I finally decide where to upload them. Instagram? Tumblr? These social networks are getting low-key out of control and I'm really starting to miss the good-ole-fashioned scrapbook's heyday.

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Outfit Details:

Vintage Pink Blouse

Anthropologie Army Jacket

Vintage Cameo Necklace

TOMS Sunglasses

GUESS Gold Watch

Madewell Destroyed Jeans

Madewell Glasgow Satchel

Banana Republic Tan Heels

Will Return

You know when you get caught up crossing things off your to-do list, neurotically checking emails, doing cultural ish, obsessing over the perfect insta filter for your b-b-basic photo, causing trouble before noon on Saturdays, and suddenly you look up and BAM it's the middle of April and you're like...my wall calendar still says it's January.

WELL, I hope you know what I mean. And while it's highly unlikely you can relate to all of the above, that's been my life lately. Time is passing far too quickly and I'm not sure I have much more to show for myself other than this Tumblr I created on a whim because...who doesn't need ONE more social network to update!?

But in all seriousness, as of late, I've been putting a lot more time into my photography and it's something I'm pretty excited about. Hobbies are good. This one forces me out of my apartment when I feel like sleeping in 'til 2pm noon. I'm finally exploring new parts of LA every week. And it's taken me out of my comfort zone in the best way possible.

TGIF.

Fine Line

The first photo was a product of the wind and the right moment on my self-timer. And I know what you're all probably thinking. It's walking a very fine line between cool and Cousin Itt. Which is fine, because Cousin-I definitely had his moment in the '60s and is making a comeback. I can feel it.

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Outfit Details:

Reformation Cali Dress

Cameo Necklace

TOMS Sunglasses

GUESS Gold Watch

Madewell Glasgow Satchel

GUESS Denim Jacket

Heeled Sandals

Now // Next

I had a very interesting conversation this week about the idea of how a single moment or meeting can completely change the direction of your life. How for every million mundane moments that don't have a significant impact, there's that one that changes everything. That one hand of cards (if I'm going to get all metaphorical) where you just get lucky. And I think I often go about my life hoping for that moment—often to a fault. It's a very romantic view of the world that constantly idealizes the future. Once this happens, everything will change. etc. etc. etc. 

The past month or so, I've been living in a bit of a limbo. Waiting for the "next big thing"—the next big change that will drastically change my day-to-day and everything about my life. But in the midst of hoping and anticipating for a change, I've kind of lost the now. Which is unfortunate since I often find myself (internally) scolding people who only live in the future tense. Three weeks 'til this vacation; 6 months 'til this promotion; 1 year 'til this graduate school. It always feels like a waste of the present.

But the truth is, I'm just as guilty if not guiltier than all the rest. I think a slight discontentment with my current situation (even though Thought Catalog and every other millennial publication tells me I'm not alone) has led me to project everything on the next. And yes, maybe, hopefully something great is right around the corner. But regardless of what the future holds, I need to appreciate the present tense.

I know it's easier said than done. But, if nothing else, I think it's worth acknowledging. That's a whole lot better than nothing...right?

City Scenes

Ever since my photography class started back up a few weeks ago, I've been exploring Downtown LA more than usual. On our first session, we spent 3 hours walking around the city and I was able to look at it in a different light. Weekends in Downtown are strange because they lack the weekday crowds and can feel a bit quiet, but there's still a strong energy around the city. I've always loved shooting different street scenes and the DTLA colors and light made it easy to capture some special moments.

Rooftop Blues

These photos were taken during my rooftop excursion. I tend to avoid taking blog photos at night, but I love how rich the colors turned out in these. It almost looks like I planned my outfit to match the vibrant blue sky and city lights. I'm definitely your average Type A...but I can't take credit for this happy accident.

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Outfit Details:

Ruche Floral Bomber Jacket

Madewell Grey V-Neck

Paige High Rise Flares

GUESS Classic Gold Watch

Madewell Glasgow Satchel

Banana Republic Tan Sandals

Full Moon

Last week, I went to Santa Monica after work with every intention of doing some shopping and running a few errands. There's a parking lot a little off the main promenade that has a great view of the city, so whenever I'm in the area I try to park on the top level to catch the view—especially around sunset.

As it turns out, on this particular night my errands were perfectly timed with a gorgeous sunset and full moon. So gorgeous, that I didn't wind up running any errands that night or even leaving the parking garage at all. Which is kind of a big deal, since there was a sale at Madewell and I had grand plans to buy something I didn't need at Anthropologie. (I may be the only person who plans their impulse shopping, but we all have our things.) Instead of shopping to fill some unexplained "void" that had been nagging me all week, I spent a good hour enjoying the view and taking photos. And I felt...unusually at peace. 

Working can be tough. Postgrad life can be weird and confusing. I often find myself dramatically alternating between feeling inspired and dissatisfied—sometimes even within the same day. There are some weeks where checking "return jeans" or "pick up almond milk" off my iPhone To-Do list feels like my biggest accomplishment. But then there's moments like this...

...where genuine happiness (somehow) comes in the form of taking photos alone on top of a Santa Monica parking garage on a Thursday night.

The Archives

As I'm sure I've mentioned many times before, I'm a bit of a clothes hoarder and will keep certain pieces for years. I like to think of my closet as a collection of my favorite things and I often pull from "the archives" when I look at my wardrobe (full of clothes, mind you) and foolishly declare: I have nothing to wear! Which on this particular day translated to: I have nothing new to wear, and will therefore pull out my tried-and-true cardi from one of my very first blog posts.

That's the thing about having a blog. I've documented the wear and tear of this silly little cardigan that I got on sale (yes I still remember and yes you should read my old posts and cringe with me) and, without realizing it, the past 4 years of my life in between. It's a little unnerving reading old posts, realizing how much my priorities have changed over time. It makes me half-miss college, while half-realize I was a complete nutcase who stressed out way. too. much. (Admittedly still kind of do, but I'm getting better!) Anyway, do yourself a favor and look back at a photo from your own archives (old Myspace?—would love if mine still existed in cyberspace). Maybe it'll get you thinking about life and priorities and things like that. Or if you're like me, maybe you'll just really question why you thought that haircut was a good idea.

Nostalgia aside, a word to the wise: this whole "archive" rule should really only be applied to fashion. But at the same time...sometimes you won't know unless you try. At least that's what I seem to keep telling myself.

Happy hump day :)

___________

Outfit Details:

Anthropologie Lace Cardigan

ZARA Black Tank Top

GUESS Classic Gold Watch

Etsy Gold Wishbone Necklace

GUESS High-Waisted Jeans

Madewell Glasgow Satchel

Banana Republic Tan Sandals